On my mind
At the beginning of this month I shared an audio message from Pema Chodron. Here it is again (loosely) over text:
‘The truth is - anyone who has meditated even one day learned fast that we almost are never present. And actually, what I also notice about the few people in my life that I consider to be completely awake - they learn to stay. And that is what you feel, a sense of eternal present, they don’t go off anywhere like we do, they just stay. So in the Buddhist teachings, they say that the root of the problem is self-absorption, fear of being present. You go from being open and receptive to your mind and world, to people, and your emotions, the whole thing, which is sort of a broad feeling and far less reactive feeling, but more of an at-home feeling. You go from that to going into a small dark room. This is called ego - the Buddhist teachings talk a lot about ego-clinging. One of the words for this is cocoon… And so you just stay in there, because you are afraid basically, of your feelings and the things that life is going to trigger, and the things that are going to come at you. And you know, if that strategy worked, then the Buddha wouldn’t have had to teach anything. You could just sort of protect yourself, which all living beings do, and that would result in security and happiness and comfort, and there would be no problems. But what has been observed is that this going inward, self-absorption, and trying to find zones of safety - creates suffering, a terrible suffering - which weakens us, because the world is more and more terrifying, and our mind and emotions become threatening as well. There is a very deep-seated and almost compulsion to distract ourselves, and the Buddhist explanation is because we are always seeking ground, which is the basis of ego-clinging. As if we are always seeking for something to hold on to. What the teachings say is that the fundamental state is always changing, fluid and open, so there really is nothing to hold onto. Learning to stay lets us reach the place that no one wants to go to, and our whole facade, song and dance, superficial shtick is based on not wanting to go to that place. And then once you’ve touched it you get pretty fearless, because then there is nothing to hide, and you are no longer invested in the ignorant dance of constantly moving away from. There is a lot of ways to talk about ego-clinging, but in essence it is the fact that we are never present.’
I’ve listened to this many times over the past month, as it has had me thinking of how we label ourselves as individuals that are both separate from and apart of. I make it my mission every morning and every evening to walk my dog during sunrise and sunset. It is my present in presence. A student recently asked me how I find strength to keep teaching with consistency and grace. Honestly, I was so shocked and humbled. I can only act from my highest self and pour from my own cup when it’s full. Moving with the pulse of the universe creates a steady rhythm and connection to great nature that was always enforced by my mother when I was younger and somehow along the way I lost it, but am very grateful to have found it again, and through a new lens. If I ever slept out, my mom would call me to tell me to gaze at the moon, that she was looking at the same one too. It’s amazing how core memories can evaporate and then just pop back up when you need them most, and so before I can feel lost or alone, I am reminded of who I am, moving in harmony with what is.
Continuing with the theme of great nature, the water element is always channeled in winter, as can be addressed here in one of my favorite books to study and reference from, ‘Staying Healthy With the Seasons’, by Elson M. Hass. I recently watched a beautiful documentary recently on HBO entitled Trees and Other Entanglements, which among other narratives follows the documentarian’s journey with her father’s Alzheimer’s disease, and highlights how both trees and humans require much of the same material, through pattern and the passage of time. Our physical environments are a direct influence on having optimal health. I can’t help but reflect and be vocal on the very real diagnosis of my own mother, as to me, I always assumed that she would just always be here, there, and everywhere, as she always has been. A true Piscean fairy, she is a compassionate and empathetic dreamer, romantic and spiritual, lost in imagination and intuition. She wears her heart on her sleeve and it really beats, for me. I used to get overwhelmed by her love and now I see that it was all apart of the plan. Although her mind is moving in the distance, I feel her in my orb everywhere that I go, and I hear her saying, ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’
This year I lost myself, and found myself, over and over again. I sparked in spring, popped my cork in summer, articulated my vision and planted seeds in fall. Now in winter, I’m leaning into what I’ve cultivated for depth and understanding. How I spend and distribute my time is more important to me than ever before. The more time I spend on pleasing people and roaming to places that drain me the more depleted I feel. The more energy I spend on planning, goal-setting, and playing, I am restored and reformed. Sometimes this goes for family or even friends! I hate feeling disappointed but the reminder to detach is necessary! Separation from opinion and projection - is necessary. When I get spun out, I always hear my teacher Nevine’s voice, saying that it doesn’t matter what you do, but that you do it well. That what you’re doing does its job - and so it’s huberous to think that practices will fix anyone or anything, because what ends up fixing you is in fact insight. Cue It’s My Life!
I came across this poem by surrealist essayist and editor Carl Solomon last week that I wanted to share. Here he is pictured with the one and only Allen Ginsburg… I think a lot about my friendships and who will be there with me when all is said and done. Sometimes it doesn’t end how we think it will. This photo was to my surprise taken by my friend Mellon Tytell, an incredible photographer that I met a few years ago. In my last correspondence with Mellon she shared with me that my real self was very different than what I was portraying to the public at that time, and she was right. In a way, people often show you better than they can tell you.
Lastly, I found myself at the opening reception of New York based artist Colleen Herman’s exhibition A longed for bed. The show is running through February downtown at OLYMPIA. You must go! It displays varied paintings by Herman that can only be described (by me) as sensual bliss personified. Please take a listen to this speech by Audre Lorde in which Colleen drew inspiration from. Some people know that I studied Art History and always imagined myself immersed in a world of fine art and museum culture. It’s funny how life kind of dumps you around until you spin out enough times to land where you always knew you would. This week I found my final dissertation on theosophy exhalted through the works of Hilda AF Klint & Caravaggio (my favorites). My Jesuit university schooling didn’t necessarily approve of my work and so as I approached my final year I decided to drop out (lol) and make something of my life. Turns out I knew me all along.
Ok lastly, really….. because I’m from New Jersey!
I am teaching both New Year’s Eve & Day at SKY TING
both classes are waitlisted but you can try! Find me on the schedule all week and practice virtually with me every Saturday 11a on zoom, new subscribers to SKY TING TV get one month free with code CHELSEY.
xI love you - thank you