Moody men and Aries wind

Is West 4th the zombie apocalypse? And other stories

Mar 28, 2025

Shit is wild.

I am a human first, always, and I do my best to speak from a place of love - most of the time.

As belief and hope continues to become more difficult to trust, I have been practicing active listening and patience with myself as the world we have always known collapses, so that when the time comes I am prepared to put it back together again, with anyone and everyone that has the exact same intention.

I have totally fallen out of practice, or at least the rhythm of practice that I prefer, which I am blaming on the vayus. You know I have to freak it with a little bit of philosophy. If you come to class we have been (and will continue to) explore the five vital airs; movements of prana that govern different areas of the body and functions. These are physiological and energetic processes that ensure balance and vitality. I’m not going to get into all of them because there are many stories here and I genuinely want to stay on topic while riding this little wave of inspiration so just come to class. I’m going to leave an incredible article (from a TCM perspective) below that will go into detail on the subject. As we speak I’m in bed nursing a cold that actually occurred out of nowhere. I woke up beautifully, took an early afternoon cat nap and woke up congested and feverish. Remember when your mom used to tell you to make sure to put a hat and scarf on after the first 60 degree day of spring? I never listened and I always got sick, almost immediately. That’s what wind does - it throws us off balance and creates tunnels of movement in situations that would otherwise be motionless. It is spoken about as an external factor of disease, an evil. As a naturally vata archetype, the transitional seasons are always really tough for me and I find it even more difficult to ground than normal. Luckily I am imperfect and studying these aspects has brought me immense relief and acceptance. I know that I will be in a body of water soon and that the suns rays will piece me back together again.

When I seek less the teachings come. When I let go, whatever is meant to return always does. I lost an anklet a month ago that reappeared and to me that is proof that God is real. God is in the details for the following discourse.

I find it deeply difficult to be in the world lately, as there is so much wind and scattered takes on what it is to be with our current climate as opposed to pushing against it, become it, or just disassociate altogether. As this conversation becomes a universal weight, I myself am of course trying to escape insecurity in my relationships by figuring it out, looking for solutions, and holding space if it is safe. Since last summer I have continued to peel back the layers of my heightened desire for life to be different than what it is. I am dreaming of a world in which amplified compassion can coexist with different planes of entitlement, oppression, and privilege. Per our last chat, I’m still stewing and chewing on why we (collectively) play Hollywood squares to continue extracting any bits of courage or authenticity for consumerism, consumption, and recognition. Why are we idolizing celebrities when we could just be ourselves? I’ve realized that fitting is fun until it’s the only thing and that I’ve pretty much been gatekeeping myself. My astrologer is telling me that my internal world has surpassed my external world and so I’m running with that, naturally.

A few days ago while shuffling through the city to get home after teaching, I noticed a newly well-known ‘actor’ of sorts gliding down Broadway in a Porsche with a Texas license plate and zero regard for the law as he ran a red light and created a stir. The character he plays every Sunday night (while very entertaining) entered the chat. Not a judgment but an observation, as the shoe was a definite fit. About ten minutes later I then interacted with an actual Broadway legend who will also remain nameless at the grocery store. She bumped into me a few times in the organic isles built for caterpillars and expressed such sincere awareness and remorse for the contact that at one point I actually asked her if she was acting. We shared a laugh. As I was leaving, I walked into the street and made eye-contact with a mentally unstable and possibly homeless man who was on a tear. Now, I know what you’re thinking, or maybe I don’t, but here we go.

Future was in my headphones so there was a lot that I missed. I used to never wear headphones in public and this is where I fucked up. You never really know what you’ll do in certain situations until they come and in this case I decided not to look away, or run away, as he screamed racial and hateful obscenities in my face with a smile. I smiled back. I feel good about letting him rip into me, in a way it was quite cathartic, as it was very reminiscent of many life experiences and exchanges that depict this kind of learned behavior. When he realized that no reaction was coming from me, he continued on his Sunday stroll. I’ve thought a lot about why I didn’t walk away.

As I stood in freeze mode onlookers continued walking (some sprinting), shyly looked away, or stared in my direction for a sign of life. I got on the train and went home. Inside I felt a familiar cold. In a city of bodies, not one person even looked into my eyes. It was quiet for that. Then I watched this:

The next day I went to therapy and my therapist suggested that I share this story with my class. I did. I’m going to actually stop sharing these kinds of things (in the classroom) simply because i always have and I need to move with the winds of change. It tends to pull away from the actual teachings and the emotional exchange noticeably makes things a bit hazy. I had a discussion with a close friend later on, a white hetero male with a new infant - who although white passing is racially mixed. He told me what I already knew and reminded me of a few similar situations that we have experienced (some together) in which things took a turn for the worst. I share this not for sympathy but truly to emphasize the lack of humanity and self-inflicted turmoil that has and will continue to invade our communities if we (even me) choose to continue gripping onto what we already know. That night I found myself searching for someone to call, anyone who really knows me and could just hold me. I felt scared to reach out to really anyone due to the fact that I didn’t want to hear:

I’m so sorry

At least……

Well this happened to me…

Everyone is dealing with this

or!

Same.

I actually just wanted someone to just listen. These are responses that I have collected from those closest to me for the past thirty years. They are like cigarette burns on my skin, a fabric of misunderstanding. No one has the exact same experience. No one. When responsive language is personal it completely diminishes and invalidates the other’s experience. I used to wish that I could be reincarnated as this guy so that my words would just disappear, until I remembered he was an asshole and most likely a narcissist.

In an eco system of main characters I realize I’m not Alice, or The Mad Hatter or even the rabbit… I’m probably a flower who will continue to live and die time and time again.

Last night my friend Maya invited me to a Tibetan Heart Practice at Three Jewels. It really took a lot for me to even get out of bed but if you tell me ancient wisdom I will pull up. The practice frustrated me in a very specific and intrusive way, I genuinely was scared of my own thoughts at one point and my only desire was to cry, because I haven’t in so long and that’s not me. No tears came!!! It was like I was staring death in the eyes, in an inescapable void. During savasana the visiting teacher told us to focus on what we knew to be true in that moment. I kept hearing an ad-lib from a house track, a voice that says ‘I believe in me.’ In a way, that was the teaching. She reminded us that your teachers will always appear when you are ready to receive them, because they want to share the offering, solely out of love and never fear. I left totally blissed and like I could actually hear and hold myself.

I wrote this to my teacher Tony after coming back from LA at the beginning of this year.

I have always had this problem of leaving things behind, letting go or moving on. I always felt that if it felt good once it should and will feel good forever, or if it had a place and space once it will always belong. I’m sure I learned this through some sort of deprivation in my childhood. Because of this tendency my boundaries were virtually nonexistent. I judged others for cutting people out, or leaving and abandoning ship. I remained painfully loyal to a lot of weird shit. A lot of my burnout tendencies come from the business and busy-ness of trying to force things that no longer serve me. The things you can’t let go will weigh you down. They will literally slow you down! You can’t drag it along. I have learned this the hard way and still am. Not everyone, every place, or everything is forever. If it is coming undone let it, disconnect from what consumes you and free yourself. If it no longer serves your spirit you have to drop it.

Discernment and patience was the lesson. My hope is no longer to reach many, but that if one person who was feeling the way that I was last night reads this, it will help them see that there is more always, no feeling is ever final, and that waking up feeling spiritually hot and wealthy is possible. Absolutely no relationship will humble you more than the one you have with yourself.

Do you ever notice what happens when something happens? We run to tell a someone, sometimes anyone, and the desire to be seen and heard fuses with their reaction. There is a phantom connection that then creates rebuttal and congestion. Lately when someone is telling me a story I do my best to actually just listen, and to stay with them, not with the story but with their experience of reliving it as it plays out in present tense. I have noticed how occasionally confronting it can feel when the extreme response they expected does not mirror their own.

As I drill the difference between community and network into my third eye, as well as the difference between sensitivity and emotions, I have come to the conclusion that people will respect you when you respect yourself. I have been having such difficult conversations lately. The friction breaks my heart and makes me feel like a monster. While we can be on different frequencies, I think that there is room to break apart so that we can come together. What separates us does not always have to revolve around race, culture or socioeconomic standing. The fear of being excluded, separated, rejected, and powerless does. The freedom in choice and being willing to be wrong is the gift. As always these thoughts and findings are my own. In the event that you disagree, journal about it first and if it still matters tomorrow I am open and available for dialogue.

EVENTUALLY TIDES WILL BE THE ONLY THING YOU BELIEVE IN~~ Mary Oliver